Skip to main content

A Force To Be Reckoned With



A Force To Be Reckoned With

Year 1999! The last thing on my mind was not whether someone could get hurt, all I wanted was to get the anger out! My only focus was smashing into my ex’s new Chrysler. He was going to pay for all my frustration. As I got closer to his car that was perfectly parked in front of his house on Bellevue St, Hartford, I hit the gas head on at full speed. I felt my car crashing into his car smashing the passenger side door and pushing the vehicle up on the sidewalk. Ignoring the whiplash and the damage to my car, I quickly hit reverse and sped off as if I had just robbed a bank. Hittin like 70 on Windsor St, tears coming down my face…. I looked through the rear view mirror and noticed I was being chased. It was on now! I cut back up Pavillion Street to lose them but at the top of the hill, his brothers driving a second car, were waiting. I was blocked. I get out of the car and kick off my heels.
My ex and his brothers are coming straight at me like “what the F*$# is your problem! You crazy!!” “Yeah I am crazy” I was telling myself and I started swinging…. but no one was trying to hurt me. Tears streaming down my face. The fire inside was intense and my ex finally caught my fleeing arms and restrained me. He begged me to calm down. But I was in fighting mode, squirming and trying everything to get free. I couldn’t move so I growled because I was so angry! Soon my adrenaline started escaping my body and when I could no longer fight, my ex released the restraint and hugged me telling me that it was going to be okay. I just sobbed uncontrollably. All of this just because my 1 year old daughter at the time (Thalia) smashed her fingers in a metal door and I couldn’t get in contact with him. When I found out that he ignored my calls because he was hanging with his boys and brothers, I lost it!
Ever since I could remember I had anger issues. This anger reared its ugly head often throughout my life and especially during my first marriage. Anything that threatened my emotions which my ex husband did constantly, or any situation that was out of my control caused me to explode in anger! The bursts of anger caused me to hurt others with terrible words that created lifetime scars and if that wasn’t enough then I reverted to physical punishment. Either to the person (in most cases my ex husband) or myself.
It probably started when I was a child. At that time, my dad was a powerful and feared male figure in our lives. He never physically hit my sisters and I but he was an abusive husband to my mom. My mom was afraid of him. She taught us that when he walked in through the door, we were to hand over the tv remote immediately and free the sofa for his leisure. He loved taking us on countryside road trips but they often ended abruptly when an argument peaked between him and my mom. I witnessed the many times he reached over the passenger side to smack my mother in the face if she argued back or to pull her hair. My mom was feisty, and when she didn’t behave the trip was cut short and my mom, sisters and I would be dropped off home as a punishment. Later at night he would show up drunk to our apartment and beat my mom. It angered me that I couldn’t do anything about it and I hated to watch my mom be so powerless. Shortly after, in my early teen years, I started experiencing bullying in the streets. I was beat up many times by groups of rival teens from other neighborhoods for no reason. My walks to school were unpredictable so I started carrying a knife to defend myself. The anger inside me just grew worse. By the time I became an adult, had my first daughter and got married, I was a force to be reckoned with. Anger was what made me feel empowered and I swore to use it against anyone who threatened me emotionally or physically… especially a man!
To be continued!!
((Side note: My dad is not the man he used to be. He is a changed man! Had to put it out there to support my daddy!))

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day In the Life of A MOM

  Lort hep me! (In my Madea's voice)   Do not let this T Shirt fool you peeps! I have a side of me I rather not show. Like when something makes me go from 0 to 100 in half of a second. Like when I start the day singing halleluyerzzz and somehow by evening I am in a war zone throwing F bombs cussing in between sentences.   It is not easy man! I try! I promise I do! God knows my ❤.... I hope!   So a day like yesterday. I woke up motivated and happy.   Things took a turn for the worse when my 14 year old showed up at my side with bleached h air. Never mind just color dye which at her age I do NOT approve of anyways BUT even worse. Bleached! Like... did I say BLEACHED! A job done by my oldest 22 year old daughter who did not care to ask me permission. Who thought it was cute to encourage such abominable disobedience. Leading my 14 year old to a downward spiral of rebellion! I was livid! In my mind I shouted....I rebuke you Satan for influencing my children and takin...
Post a Comment
Read more

Buffalo by Choice

Hola Queen ( and King) Bees! I got this cup as a gift from my mentor recently as a symbol of perseverance. "Entrepreneur by Birth, BUFFALO by Choice" Are you a Buffalo? Let me tell you the story of the Buffalo vs the Cow.... the way it was revealed to my spirit. Animals can sense when a storm is coming. When a tornado makes its way through a field a Cow gets scared. It starts running away from the tornado. Eventually the slow and tired cow gets sucked up by the storm causing it pain and long suffering (probably death). A Buffalo on the other hand sees the tornado coming and gets ready to take it on. As the storm gets closer the buffalo charges at full speed straight into the storm. The buffalo is able to break through the storm and come out from the other side. Less pain, less suffering, no death! When life's storms show up in your life, are you a cow or are you a Buffalo?
Post a Comment
Read more

Choke-hold!

When I was 10 my dad incited a fight and then watched me be put into a choke-hold by a bully and left me to defend myself. Gotta love my dad and his ways of teaching survival skills. Forget the scouts lessons on how to make a fire out of rocks and sticks. Those tools didn't help in the projects where I grew up. This is what happened! One summer day while waiting in line at the ice cream truck, a boy on his bike hit me with the front tire and pushed me out of the way to cut in line. I was a frail child weighing a possible 49 pounds soak and wet. Soon as it happened I turned to find my dad for help. I go over to my dad and tell him that a boy hit me, pointing at the kid as I tattled. My dad walked back with me to the ice cream truck and called out to the kid. "You hit my daughter?" he asked in his strong boricua accent. I stood there with a 'that's right m*f and a grin on my face', waiting for the aftermath of what was about to happen. My dad was no joke! Then I...
Post a Comment
Read more