A Force To Be Reckoned With

A Force To Be Reckoned With

Year 1999! The last thing on my mind was not whether someone could get hurt, all I wanted was to get the anger out! My only focus was smashing into my ex’s new Chrysler. He was going to pay for all my frustration. As I got closer to his car that was perfectly parked in front of his house on Bellevue St, Hartford, I hit the gas head on at full speed. I felt my car crashing into his car smashing the passenger side door and pushing the vehicle up on the sidewalk. Ignoring the whiplash and the damage to my car, I quickly hit reverse and sped off as if I had just robbed a bank. Hittin like 70 on Windsor St, tears coming down my face…. I looked through the rear view mirror and noticed I was being chased. It was on now! I cut back up Pavillion Street to lose them but at the top of the hill, his brothers driving a second car, were waiting. I was blocked. I get out of the car and kick off my heels.

My ex and his brothers are coming straight at me like “what the F*$# is your problem! You crazy!!” “Yeah I am crazy” I was telling myself and I started swinging…. but no one was trying to hurt me. Tears streaming down my face. The fire inside was intense and my ex finally caught my fleeing arms and restrained me. He begged me to calm down. But I was in fighting mode, squirming and trying everything to get free. I couldn’t move so I growled because I was so angry! Soon my adrenaline started escaping my body and when I could no longer fight, my ex released the restraint and hugged me telling me that it was going to be okay. I just sobbed uncontrollably. All of this just because my 1 year old daughter at the time (Thalia) smashed her fingers in a metal door and I couldn’t get in contact with him. When I found out that he ignored my calls because he was hanging with his boys and brothers, I lost it!

Ever since I could remember I had anger issues. This anger reared its ugly head often throughout my life and especially during my first marriage. Anything that threatened my emotions which my ex husband did constantly, or any situation that was out of my control caused me to explode in anger! The bursts of anger caused me to hurt others with terrible words that created lifetime scars and if that wasn’t enough then I reverted to physical punishment. Either to the person (in most cases my ex husband) or myself.

It probably started when I was a child. At that time, my dad was a powerful and feared male figure in our lives. He never physically hit my sisters and I but he was an abusive husband to my mom. My mom was afraid of him. She taught us that when he walked in through the door, we were to hand over the tv remote immediately and free the sofa for his leisure. He loved taking us on countryside road trips but they often ended abruptly when an argument peaked between him and my mom. I witnessed the many times he reached over the passenger side to smack my mother in the face if she argued back or to pull her hair. My mom was feisty, and when she didn’t behave the trip was cut short and my mom, sisters and I would be dropped off home as a punishment. Later at night he would show up drunk to our apartment and beat my mom. It angered me that I couldn’t do anything about it and I hated to watch my mom be so powerless. Shortly after, in my early teen years, I started experiencing bullying in the streets. I was beat up many times by groups of rival teens from other neighborhoods for no reason. My walks to school were unpredictable so I started carrying a knife to defend myself. The anger inside me just grew worse. By the time I became an adult, had my first daughter and got married, I was a force to be reckoned with. Anger was what made me feel empowered and I swore to use it against anyone who threatened me emotionally or physically… especially a man!

To be continued!!

((Side note: My dad is not the man he used to be. He is a changed man! Had to put it out there to support my daddy!))