Over 15 years ago, I frantically drove up and down the Berlin Turnpike looking for my husband. I entered every single motel on that strip, slowly driving through each parking lot checking for his car. I called his cell phone countless times leaving numerous voicemails begging him to please answer me. With smudged eyeliner all over my face, I could barely see through the tears as I sped up and down the strip in my car. And if that wasn't bad enough, I had left behind my six year old daughter sleeping home alone (thankfully she didn't wake up). Talk about poor desperate choices!
A woman's brokenness is usually rooted from childhood experiences. Insecurities planted way back before they became young adults. Beliefs of being less than or not good enough subconsciously programmed into the mind. It's not noticeable right away but it changes their behavior. Later in life, she accepts constantly being rejected, disrespected and manipulated by their spouse. Just like the ocean waves that crash into the coast causing rocks to erode slowly over the years, in the same way a woman starts to lose who she is. It robs her of her confidence, self-worth and mental health. On the outside, she smiles and pretends to be strong and all-together but behind closed doors she does not recognize herself anymore! She doesn't know why she stays but she does!
This was my life. I went from feeling strong to letting my heart be stepped on over and over... for years. One day after my husband moved out, I walked into a church 6 months pregnant and dropped to my knees at the altar pouring my heart out. I cried an ocean of tears. Exhausted from feeling lost, betrayed and abandoned. I desperately needed to be rescued from it all. So I surrendered and gave my life to God.
My life didn't change overnight but as I kept getting closer to God, through prayers and church, I felt my faith getting stronger. Eventually, my husband and I got back together but quickly old habits came back. This time however, I did what I didn't have the courage to do before, I ended my marriage. Things didn't get easier. For starters, I was angry, stubborn and rebellious and God was still dealing with me. The process included a lot of purging and repairing of my past, my character and unforgiveness. Turns out, I was not the most supportive wife after all, not that I deserved the suffering, but I definitely was not making things better. God put a mirror in front of me to show me what needed to be dealt with. He broke me in the middle of my brokenness.
The most impactful part of my healing was forgiving my ex-husband without receiving an apology. Forgiveness meant to pray fervently for him and to accept that he too was worthy of God's love, grace and happiness. Today we both remarried and are learning to be better spouses to the companions we were blessed with.
Forgiveness brought me an unexplained freedom that allowed me to find myself again. Today, I walk in full confidence knowing that I have God's strength to fearlessly walk away from anything that brings me no value. I truly believe God always has the best interest for my life and I trust Him fully.
Be blessed!
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