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I'm tired and losing my faith!


 

I'm tired!

Tired of worrying and carrying burdens that are not even mine to carry.

They say you have to stay strong but I have been strong for way too long.  

I'm not as strong as many may think or I make myself to be. 

Turns out I've been in survival mode for decades.

Wondering if instead of strength, it has been adrenaline sustaining me all this time.

But I'm running out. 

I'm tired!

Tired of holding this shovel that I was given as a child.

Used it to dig a hole deep enough to bury my emotions for all the years to come.

I will not let weakness get in the way of my role - being the protector.

Emotions are a crutch so it's important to bury them immediately.

Crying could only be done in silence otherwise the others could sense the truth.

And the truth would break them and I could not let that happen.

I'm tired!

Tired of wearing this mask.

I don't want to be pitied so I just dwindle away in hiding.

Very few notice the silence.

It's better that way because I should never show vulnerability.

I'm tired!

Tired of being there to hold the pillars up for others.

While my own castle is falling apart.

Somehow, I find ways to hold up my own pillars too.

I see no refuge anywhere but I'm used to it.

I'm tired!

Tired of wearing the carpenters tool belt, nurses cap, chef hat, maid apron, mechanic smock.

I want to quit being a mom, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, friend and boss.

Thoughts of escaping to a far away planet or finding my way to heaven fills my mind.

But I can't escape!  

I'm the one holding the pillars up.

I cannot bear to watch the destruction if I just let go!

They are important to me....So I stay! 

I'm tired!

Tired of living in fear.

Fear that I once buried away along the emotions of my heart.

Somehow they've crept out to haunt me.

All attacking at once. 

I see others living foolishly and without regard.

Wondering how they do it so carelessly.

Wondering if I've let fear get too far!

I'm tired!

Tired of holding this heavy cup.

My arms are giving up.

Somehow the ones in need find me.

And I find the strength to tilt my cup over so that they are filled.

I'm tired!

Tired of fighting to believe.

Faith feels like it's dwindling away.

Asking if He is really there.

If He has heard the desires that live endlessly in my heart.

Why has He forsaken me? 

Begging that He takes this cup from me please!

I'm tired!

Tired of letting the enemy keep me in this mental rut!

Not seeing that I have been blessed beyond measure.

That I have been protected, for a thousand have fallen to one side, ten thousand to my right hand,

but the enemy hasn't touched me.

Blessed to be able to take another breath.

Living in my purpose even if it's to hold the pillars up for others.

Accepting that my life will not be as easy and that this cup will be heavy at times.

For the biggest battles are given to the strongest soldiers.

And I will continue to fight this battle with honor!

There will be days I need to retreat.

But I cannot be defeated!

And even though I am tired of being strong for way too long. 

Today I can say I NO LONGER need to be strong!

For my Lord was strong on the cross for me!

I love you Jesus!!!  Thank you for bringing me through it!

I know my reward is in YOU!!

#goodFriday

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